Shinobi Specialties
by Fate no Ito
Summary: Shinobi all over the world are joined at Konoha to create a special talent show just for ninjas! No pairings at all! R&R!
1. Unexpected Mission

AOU: Hiya! I'm hoping this will turn out to be a good fic and that it'll attract a lot of ppl and get tons of reviews but it might not go out that way because i don't have a good review streak. Damn it. (Inner AOU: Jyanarou!)

Shino:...

Aou: So I'm REALLY REALLY hoping it'll get a good streak and be the best story the Alchemist of Uchiha has ever written!

Neji: hn...kudaran...(boring)

AOU: don't copy Gaara. Anyway, Kankurou, do the honors...

Kankurou: The Alchemist of Uchiha doesn't own Naruto jyan

AOU: Why do you have to add a 'jyan'. You look like a cat already. You don't have to sound like one...

Kankurou: Why you...Karasu!

AOU: eep! Well, enjoy and for the love of Tsunade review!

Chapter 1

"Oh, Shikamaaarrruuuuu!" Oh crap. Mom. "What is it?" The lazy shinobi looked up from where he was lying on the grass, looking at clouds. His mother smiled as if Shikamaru had just won twelve grammies for best Kagemane no Jutsu, bought her a mansion and was currenly working on a way to make world peace. Hah. As if Shika would ever do that...Anyway, on the da fic...  
"Shikamaru, Godaime wants to see you, now."  
Shika looked up. "Godaime?" His mom seemed to grit her teeth and she forced the words out. Shika's dullness was getting on her nerves. "Yes, Shikamaru. Godaime Hokage. She wants to see you."  
"Oh, better not keep her waiting then." He grimaced, stood up and walked out away from the Nara property. "Ja!" He called over his shoulder.

**Godaime Hokage a.k.a. Tsunade's office**

"yo." Shikamaru opened the door and greeted the pretty blonde 50 year old Hokage. Once again he noticed how odd it was to know that Tsunade was a fifty year old granny and look like a 20 year old thanks to a jutsu. _I wish I could learn that when I turn 50._ Shika mused. He snapped quickly back to attention as Tsunade spoke in her normal blunt way.  
"Nara Shikamaru, I have a mission for you."  
"Please don't tell me that bastard Sasuke ran off again."  
"No. It's different. It's more...um...interesting than finding a lost Uchiha."  
"oh?"  
"How should I say this...the people of Konoha are bored. It isn't time for another Chuunin Exam because I can't go to the four other Kages and say, 'we're going to have another Chuunin exam to make the people of my Sato happy.' No. I'm not doing that. So, what I want you to do it get some assistants or something and make a TV show. I gave you a one hour slot everyday from 6:00 pm to 7:00."  
Shikamaru choked slightly. "A WHAT?"  
"A tv show. Something people can watch on TV. Premiering tomorrow. So be quick. Dismissed."  
"But...I can't do that!"  
Tsunade smiled happily. "The people of Konoha already know that there's going to be a show. I call it 'Shinobi Specialties'. Not only Konoha ninjas are doing this. I invited the Sand-nins and two Sound-nins are participating."  
"Sound-nin?"  
"Hai. I made a quick peace treaty with Orochimaru about it. He revived two of the Sound Five for me, Sakon and Tayuya, and they'll be joining us. So all together, unless you choose some of those to be assistants, are: Gaara, Temari, Kankurou, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Chouji, you, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Tayuya and Sakon. If you want some of the Jounins like Kakashi or Kurenai, be my guest. All the ninjas from all the villages are your pick. 'Shinobi Specialties' will be airing not only in Konoha but in all other villages that agreed to participate in this. Hidden Sound, Hidden Waterfall, Hidden Rain, Hidden Grass, Hidden Cloud, Hidden Stone, Hidden Mist..."  
"Okay, okay, I get the point." Shikamaru waved his hands. The situation was just getting a titch troublesome for him but he didn't want to say anything unless Tsunade explodes at him.  
"good. Start now. dismissed."

**In Konoha**

Shika had called a meeting with all the Leaf genins. The Sand genins were there as well. Only Sakon and Tayuya were away because they were still a little tired after the revival kinjutsu Orochimaru used. Shikamaru had given them all the information and they were completly shocked. "I-I-I'm...going on T-T-T-TV?" Hinata stammered, turning beet red. "Of course you are, Hinata-sama." snarled Neji. He was not in a good mood, he never really is anyway. But hearing the news of 'Shinobi Specialties' made him feel so much worse.  
"Who wants to help. Whoever helps will still go on TV, just to tell you." Shika looked at them. They were still stupefied. Gaara raised his hand and his sibs turned to stare at him. "I wish to help."  
"NANI!" Naruto was surprised and Gaara shot him a 'look'. "In the manga, I am already promoted to the rank of Kazekage. For the Hokage, I will help Konohagakure no Sato found more peace in shinobi."  
"What a lovely speech. Careful you don't kill any other helpers in your Konoha peace." Sasuke said sarcastically. Gaara glared daggers at him and Sasuke glared back.  
"Any others?" Shika asked, hoping to make the two calm down.  
Dead silence.  
"Okay... I guess we're short of helpers then..."  
"I'll h-h-help..." Hinata shyly raised her hand. "Hinata..." Kiba said...surprised. "K-K-Kiba-kun...I want to help...like Gaara-kun."  
Another silence.  
"Okay, three helpers including me. We're ready for this stupid show. We need a director though. This is too troublesome for me, Gaara might kill someone and Hinata stutters way too much. Too annoying. Any volunteers? The director doesn't need to go onstage but it's a lot more troublesome than displaying a few talents." Naruto raised his hand but Shika shook his head. "We can't have an idiot and we can't have someone who kills people when they're angry. That cuts out a lot of the people. The only people i know who won't is either Neji, Sasuke or um..." Pause. "I guess Shino."  
"I cannot be director. The smallest of bugs cannot become a giant butterfly within a day through a word. I will reach the top through hard work." Shino, obviously.  
"Why should I be director? I have to kill my brother." Sasuke.  
"I have Byakugan." Not good enough.  
"Neji's director." Shikamaru nodded. "Speaking of which, Neji's pretty popular around Konoha. He'll have to go onstage too. 'Damn." muttered the Hyuuga.

**Production Site**

"Okay, people!" Neji yelled as loud as he could. "Get into your positions or I'll use Kaiten!" The 'actors' immediately moved to their designated spots, which is simply a line in the middle of the stage in the order of their teams. "Trust me, it hurts." Tenten added helpfully from her spot in the line. "Thank you, Tenten." muttered Neji.  
"Today's the first episode of 'Shinobi Specialties'." Shika yelled unnessecarily. "According to the script Godaime gave me, Sasuke's first to perform his Chidori."  
"Everybody knows about it already," snapped the unhappy Uchiha. He was already using his Sharingan and that made him look a lot scarier.  
Shika ignored him. "Neji, as director, you'll have to choose the order for the next episode. Film, start!" Kakashi gave the thumbs-up sign from where he stood behind a massive camera. Kurenai and Asuma worked the lights.  
Neji stepped up with a mic. Nobody needed a cermoninal dress-up since they were shinobi, so they were all dressed in their normal clothes. If Neji was popular around Konoha because of his eyes and everybody watching was staring at the white orbs, they would probably see the very VERY heavy sakki (killing intent) in them. But oh well. Hyuuga Neji is Hyuuga Neji. And as Maechan from Final Fantasy X said, 'And that, as they say, is that." Getting off the video game sponge now, and going back to the show, let's continue.  
"This is Hyuuga Neji here," (Random fangirl scream) "First talent player on today's premier of Shinobi Specialties, sponsored by Godaime Hokage Tsunade-sama's specialty gambling place 'Glomping Rendan', is Uchiha Sasuke. As you know, he is the survivor of the Uchiha clan and destined to kill his brother, Uchiha Itachi." (random Itachi fangirl hisses) "If you had watched the Chuunin Exam Preliminaries, which I doubt, you would know he is the maker of Shishi Rendan AND I think Orochimaru likes him. (Orochimaru: Damn right)"  
"That was too long, Neji!" Shikamaru yelled from the sidelines. "Shorter, goddamn make it shorter!"  
"Shut up. Anyway, Uchiha...I mean, Sasuke, come up please."  
Shoved forward by a grinning Naruto was Sasuke. "Sasuke, please perform your Chidori. Don't kill anyone or destroy anything." Neji stepped off the site. In an uber loud stage whisper by Tenten, he was pushed back up. 'You're the director! stay up!"  
Light and crackling noises buzzed from Sasuke's left hand. Two seconds later, he stopped channeling his Chakra and walked offstage. "SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura and Ino squealed.  
"Shut up." snarled Temari.  
"Next we have Temari, performing Ninpou: Kamaitachi no Jutsu. This jutsu defeated Tenten during the preliminaries, and it also caused Shikamaru to go into hiding during the real matches. Dai Kamaitachi no Jutsu is used against Tayuya, who is unfortunately not with us today. Oh well."  
The blond stepped up. "Ninpou." She got ready to swing her fan. "Kamaitachi no Jutsu!" The wind buzzed everywhere and...  
BZZZ!"  
"Iyaa...The camera broke."  
"Look what you did," snapped Ino.  
"Mission accomplished jyan." laughed Kankurou.  
"Ninpou: Healing no Jutsu." The camera flashed back on and Kakashi's grinning face, hidden by his mask, appeared. "Iyaa...Fixed it!"  
"Mission un-accomplished jyan." muttered Kankurou.  
"Okay..." Neji sighed and looked at his list, rubbing his temples. "Next is Tenten, performing Soushoryu. Performed against Temari during the preliminaries and nullified with either Ni no Hoshi or San no Hoshi."  
Tenten stepped up and got into the center.  
THINK BACK ON THE EPISODE OR WATCH THAT PART BECAUSE I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS.  
"Thank you!" Tenten smiled happily. Neji, thanks to Kaiten, had not one single scratch on him and Sasuke, with Sharingan, had detected all the weapons and dodged before it it. Temari used her fan, Gaara used her shield, Kankurou used Karasu and Hinata used Jyuuken to knock the shurikens, senbons and other weapons away. Others weren't so lucky and Shizune had to appear onscene to help heal the wounded.  
"Gee, thanks for literally killing everybody offstage, Tenten." Neji sneered sarcastically. Tenten shrugged and was guided offstage by a bandaged Shikamaru. "Next is Naruto performing Oiroke no Jutsu. Why is this one on, I have no idea. But whatever."  
"YOSHI!" The hyperactive blonde jumped up and waved, "Hiya, Iruka-sensei! Ero-sennin! Tsunade no bachan! I'm on TV!"  
"Naruto, stop wasting our film and use the Jutsu!" Kakashi yelled. "We're almost out of film. I'll change as soon as Naruto's finished the jutsu."  
"Kuraie!"Naruto performed seals rapidly and clicked the Tora no In. "OIROKE NO JUTSU!"  
Bam.  
Cute naked girl right there on live television. "Fuu-uu!"  
Bam. All the boys except Neji and Sasuke, who seemed to be either immune to the stuff or not even looking anymore, were knocked out. "Naruto, you perv!" Sakura screeched. Kakashi recovered and pulled out his Icha Icha Paradise book. "It's the same...It's the same!"

**BUZZ**

_Hi, this is Shikamaru here. Turns out we have to stop this production right here. Kakashi-sensei's knocked out thanks to Naruto so we have to continue the production tomorrow. Good bye and please review._


	2. Gaara's sock puppet

AOU: I noticed I made Gaara a girl by accident in the final time i reverted to him. Oh well.

Neji: Why am I the director? Uchiha should be

Sasuke: I need to kill my brother

Neji: so?

Sasuke: If you complain, I'll kill you.

Neji:...

AOU: stop fighting, geez. Naruto, disclaimer.

Naruto: Alchemist of Uchiha doesn't own Naruto debayo

Sasuke: Why are you called Alchemist of 'Uchiha'? Why not Hyuuga or Inuzuka or whatever?

AOU: because Uchiha's cool. Shut up and start the fic...

Episode 2

**The Next Day**

"You guys!" Shika waved a paper lazily. "Godaime sent a message. Apparently the premier sucked but attracted a lot of people. This time, we're not displaying jutsus. Due to popular request, we're displaying TALENTS. As in plate-balancing, loudest snore, best food and stuff. Neji already made the order and once again, not everybody is going on stage. Sit on the couch donated by Ichiraku Ramen there and just watch."  
Everybody except Shikamaru, Neji and the Jounin workers relaxed on the pale blue couch. Naruto was gleeful since he was sitting on something donated by his favourite shop in Konohagakure no Sato.  
Neji took his mic from Shikamaru and deadpanned as he looked down on his panel. "Hello, welcome to Shinobi Specialties. This is Hyuuga Neji (random fangirl scream) and today we'll be showing talents of the shinobis. Tayuya and Sakon are here today and they'll be first. Er, Sakon will be first."  
The white-haired, two-headed member of the Sound Village walked up and waved. "Today, I will be displaying my talents as a singer." He grinned through a heavy application of blue-green lipstick, receiving a yelp of disgust from Tenten, Ino, Temari and Naruto. "I will be singing..." Sakon paused and thought for a while. "...Make a man out of you. Part of it, anyway."  
"Shut up and start." Neji yelled in a bored voice. Sakon glared. "It's MY show, Hyuuga. Shut up and listen to the voice of a lark."  
"That was more disgusting than anything Lee and his disgusting sensei could say." Sasuke remarked.  
Lee shot up and took a battle stance in front of Sasuke and his teeth gave an annoying PING. "Sasuke-kun, I wish to fight you again so you may take back those words."  
"I no longer require seals to perform Chidori. I can easily kill you in one shot."  
"Sasuke-sama yo..." Sakon waved his hand. "Please be quiet so you can listen to your former helper's voice." Sakon grinned cheesily "..." Sasuke received a hard nudge from Naruto. "Haha! He was your HELPER!"  
Sasuke was about to reply when Sakon began to sing in an awful treble. It grated and it screeched and it sounded like an old cat was being tortured slowly to death.  
"_Get down to business  
To defeat the Huns  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons?  
You're the saddest bunch  
I ever met  
But you can bet  
Before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man  
out of you _

_Tranquil as a forest  
But on fire within  
Once you find your center  
you are sure to win  
You're a spineless, pale  
pathetic lot  
And you haven't got a clue  
Somehow I'll make a man  
out of you."_

"Oh. My. God. That was awful." Neji shook his head in dispair. "It was my unmei to sing that song." sneered Sakon proudly.  
"No, it bloody wasn't." snapped Neji. "That wasn't goddamn fate. It was goddamn bloody bad luck." Sakon looked pissed and was about to launch himself at Neji when Kurenai hopped off the little spot where the light people worked and pulled Sakon back. She plopped him in the couch between Tayuya and Hinata and leapt back up. Sakon was furious and turned to Hinata. "Yo...Your cousin's pretty weird." Hinata stared at him, backed away a good few inches and placed Kiba between herself and Sakon, who was fuming.  
"Next we have Tayuya, playing her flute. We apologize for the previous mistake..." The Hyuuga shot a death glare at Sakon, who glared back. "Drop it, Sakon." Ukon growled from where he was at his position on Sakon's...back.  
The red-haired genjutsu user stood up and shot a death glare at Temari before speaking into the mic. "That kuso onna broke part of my flute with her stupid Dai Kamaitachi no Jutsu so I had to get a new one."  
"Just start." Temari yelled angrily, adjusting her hold on her fan.  
Tayuya gave a growl and placed the flute on her lips. Immediatly, she began to play the traditional song, 'Mango Walk'. It lasted about a minute, cuz Tayuya had a little trouble playing her new instrument and the air got clogged somewhere in the middle and she had to ask Shizune, the Assistant Helper, to clear it a bit.  
"That was absolutely horrible." deadpanned Sasuke from his spot between Sakon and Gaara.  
"I'm sorry, Sasuke-sama." Tayuya looked like she was going to cry but let's just ignore that.  
Neji gave her an uncermonial shove and she slumped offstage to sit on the couch, giving Naruto a hard shove so she could have a bit more room. Naruto went and crashed into Kiba, who crashed into Sakon, who crashed into Sasuke, who crashed into Gaara, who crashed into Hinata who crashed into Tenten. In her surprise, she immediatly used Ningu Kuchiyose and well...you get the picture.  
"Shut up back there!" Neji yelled. Yes, today, he was in a bad bad mood. He turned to his clipboard. "Next is Gaara, showing us how tomake a sock puppet."  
"Gaara?" Kiba turned to the Shukaku-vessel. "Why Gaara? I thought it would Kankurou doing this sort of stuff."  
"Gaara has a talent jyan." Kankurou defended his brother loyally. "Besides, I don't do sock puppets. I do big puppets." He patted his faithful crow puppet. "Like Karasu jyan."  
"Okay..." Kiba inched away from the Sand-nin and looked at his dog, who was seated unmovingly on his lap. He whispered, "they're weird, Akamaru. Don't worry. I'll protect you." The white puppy wagged his tail and barked in his usual shrill tone. "I know what you mean," Kiba nodded. "Daijoubu desu, Akamaru!"  
Gaara stood up and walked towards a table Neji and Shika set up while they were talking. He uncorked his gourd and sand leaked out.  
"Oy, Sasuke." Naruto nudged his rival. "Use...Chidori when the sand gets to close, kay?"  
"Do it yourself, usuratonkachi." Sasuke said boredly, just watching the youngest of the sand sibs take a bunch of sand and put it on the table.  
"First, take sand and mold it into a sock. Make a hole and make the sock hollow." Gaara took some sand, molded it into the shape of a giant sock and took a kunai. He began to carve a small hole at the bottom and emptying out the contents of the sand 'sock'. "Then, paint." He applied black and purple and white paint vigorously while Neji watched in boredom.  
"That looks a bit like you, Kankurou." Temari couldn't help but notice. Before Kankurou could say anything, Gaara made a fist and gently tossed the sock into the air while he deadpanned. "If you make it into someone you hate, you can do...this!" And he punched the sock Kankurou as hard as he could. Neji sweatdropped and Kankurou looked like he was gonna faint. Well, he did, actually.  
After Kankurou was taken to the medical asylum Neji ordered by Anko and Ibiki, Neji continued the show as if nothing happened. "Next is Tenten, performing plate-balancing."  
The kunoichi hopped gleefully on stage with a scroll and two plates. "If these plates fall," she said perkily. "It will release poisonous vapors to kill and melt anything that it comes in contact with. So, pray I don't drop them!"  
Everybody held her breath as she unraveled the scroll. "Ningu...Kuchiyose!" Weapons fell everywhere. She took some senbons and tied them together and did the same with another handful so they were like poles. First, she tossed one plate into the air and balanced it onto the senbon. It wobbled a bit, then balanced. Anko went onstage and helped toss the other plate. Tenten reached out with the senbon pole, caught the plate and, at first the two plates looked as if it would fall as soon as Tenten breathed, but after a while, they both evened out and the audience took a breath of air for the first time in minutes.  
Tenten dropped the senbons, grabbed the plates and skipped offstage while Neji announced the next talented shinobi. "..." He stared at the clipboard than said slowly. "The final shinobi displaying talents for us today is...me...Hyuuga Neji." Fangirls screamed and Neji-haters threw tomatoes at their television screen.  
Shika went onstage, took the clipboard and announced, "Neji's displaying some acrobatics. You all know he uses Jyuuken and unlike Gouken, Jyuuken is more graceful. A lot more graceful. So it stands to reason that most Jyuuken users are in good shape. That's why Neji's great at acrobatics." The lazy shadow user, having said his piece, left the stage.  
Neji took a deep breath, gathering and concentrating Chakra. After two minutes, he performed twirls and twists and somersaults and cartwheels and stuff. Hard to imagine? Not really. Just imagine Neji somersaulting and twirling and twisting in the middle of a stage with cameras all focused on him.  
After 12 minutes of acrobatics, Neji ended by taking the Hakke Rokujyuuyonshou stance, and excelling air.  
"You should be a gym teacher!" Naruto yelled, not untruthfully.  
Neji glared but said nothing. He took the mic again and spoke into it. "Well, that concludes today's Shinobi Specialties. Tomorrow, we'll be displaying..." He looked at the next page. "Advanced Bloodlines. Only those with Advanced Bloodlines will be in it. Hinata-sama, myself, Uchiha Sasuke, Akimichi Chouji, Inuzuka Kiba, a special guest and perhaps more. Stay tuned and cut."  
Kakashi stopped filming immediatly. "Iyaa...this time nothing bad happened to the camera!"  
"..."  
**Hijutsu: Makkyou Hyoushou!  
**_It's me, Hyuuga Neji. If you want to know who the special guest is, think for yourself! Who else has a kekkeigenkai? I'm not too certain whether Akimichi and Inuzuka's abilities are advanced bloodlines or just special jutsus, like Nara Shikamaru's Ninpou: Kagemane no Jutsu. Well, until next time! Please review._


	3. Neji betrays Konoha!

AOU: Oh. My. God. I can't believe how much nice reviews I got! You guys are so nice! (throws cupcake randomly and hits Lee on head)

Lee: ow

AOU: Gee, yeah, I'm sorry. Yes to faith b, the 'special guest' is Haku! WHOO, HAKU!

Sasuke:...

AOU: And OK, Chouji, Ino, Shikamaru and crap are special jutsus and not advanced bloodlines. So the next chapter will be special jutsus!

Neji: You just spoiled them! It's supposed to be at the ending.

Ino: And we're not crap!

AOU: shut your yap. Anko, say the disclaimer.

Anko: Alchemist of Uchiha doesn't own Naruto or anything else. Why is she called Alchemist of Uchiha I don't know.

AOU: shush! The episode's starting! (plops down on seat) Speaking of which, Kimimaro has a kekkagenkai too!

Kimimaro: I am forgotten...

Episode 3: Neji gives in? A new director is born...er...chosen!

"Oh. My. God. I. Am. Pissed." Neji threw the clipboard on the ground and was about to stamp on it when Shikamaru quickly used Kagemane no Jutsu, sealing his movements.  
"Wh-what are you s-so pissed a-a-about, Neji-nii-san?" stammered Hinata, hoping Neji wasn't going to take out his frustration on the future-Hyuuga successor, which he often did until Hiashi pried them apart and gave the Hyuuga prodigy along lecture about treating Hinata with respect. Sometimes Neji doubted Hiashi really cared whether Neji snapped and used Hakke Hyakunijyuushichishou (is that how many shous there are? i forgot...) Anyway, let's stop talking about what Neji was going to do one day and focus on what made Neji so pissed then!  
"Look!" he shoved the clipboard into his cousin's face. "look and tell me what you see!"  
Hinata scanned the page and looked up at her cousin, totally confused. "N-Neji-nii-san, I don't understand. Haku, Sasuke-kun, Neji-nii-san, watashi, Kimimaro-kun..."  
"Don't add a 'kun' to that jackass's name!" snarled Neji, drawing back a fist and looking as if he was going to shut Hinata up for the rest of her life.  
Hinata gave a small 'eep' and returned to reading, "a-and K-K-Kimimaro..." she stammered.  
"Yeah." Neji nodded. "That's the problem."  
"P-P-Problem?"  
"Kimimaro was one of the Sound Five. Kidoumaru was also one of the Sound Five. Kidoumaru nearly KILLED me." Neji did the sword-across-throat movement and continued, "If I see Kimimaro, I might lose it and kill him. So, there is only one solution to this, besides just going along and kill him." he added when Hinata looked as if she was about to suggest that.  
"I must retire."  
"Wh-Wh-What!" Hinata stammered. Neji nodded, waved his hands, and got everybody's attention. "Listen up! I'm retiring! I will now choose the new director!"  
"It will be me!" Naruto exclaimed happily. "I'm the future Hokage, so I should be director!"  
"I have a dog to take care of. Because of that responsability, I am responsible. So I will be the new director!"  
"I am the oldest kunoichi! I'm the only girl on the set besides Temari that can summon! But I don't need blood! I'm the new director!"  
Neji watched them bicker and suddenly, a very twisted idea was implanted into his mind. _Oh, I truly AM a genius_, he thought to himself. "Shut up!" he shreiked. Everybody shut up instantly. Neji nodded, "I've chosen the new director."  
"that was fast jyan." Kankurou remarked (AOU: STOP TALKING LIKE A CAT! Kankurou: I CAN'T HELP IT!)  
"Ano-sa, ano-sa! Is it me! Is it me?" naruto jumped around, all hyper-like.  
Neji stared at him for a second. "...No."  
"What?" Naruto stopped jumping and glared at the white-eyed boy. "I brought you into the light! That should mean something, you know!"  
Neji continued glaring at him, "Shut up and I'll announce the new director. The show starts in," he turned to Shikamaru and Shikamaru sighed. "10 minutes, Neji."  
"10 minutes before the show starts!" Neji continued his rant. "So, shut up, listen and just listen!" Everybody paid attention. Neji paused as he struggled to calm down, then continued. "The next director will be..." he grinned. "Maito Gai-sensei!"  
(insert Gai's theme)  
"Gai-sensei! Awesome! Ganbade-kudasai!" Lee, obviously. Tenten and Neji would never say anything as gay as that.  
"Lee! This is the springtime of my life! To be hosting such a youthful show and show the way to the springtime of youth...this is too emotional!" Gai wiped tears from his eyes and looked at Lee with stars in his eyes.  
"Gai-sensei!"  
"Lee!"  
Sunset, waves. The two embraced. Naruto covered his eyes and Kiba, seeing it for the first time, let out something that sounded like either a pig's squeal and the scream of a two-year old girl. Everyone was briefly torn out of their moment of disgust to stare at the Inuzuka heir. Kiba turned to them, "What?"  
"Iyaa...sorry to interrupt but I started filming already." Everybody, excluding Lee and Gai, turned to stare at Kakashi, who was smiling at them.  
"...what?" growled Neji, almost close to breaking point. Hinata backed away and pushed Kiba ahead of her.  
"When?" demanded Sasuke. Light and crackling sounds began to appear from his left hand as he activated Chidori. Even though he was grateful to Kakashi for teaching him Raikiri/Chidori, that doesn't mean he won't kill him.  
"Um...When Neji announced he's no longer director."  
"How humiliating." Kiba shook his head. "My scream was caught on tape for the whole world to know. The Inuzuka clan will be so embarassed."  
Chouji shrugged and chewed on a mouthful of chips. "It doesn't matter. The Inuzuka clan was already embarassed."  
Kiba was about to strangle Chouji when Gai yelled, striking the 'nice-guy' pose. "Yoshi! let's start the path to the springtime of youth!"  
"Hyuuga, remind me to kill you." Sasuke snarled at Neji as they made their way back to the couch.  
Neji smirked, "Of course, Uchiha. After I've killed you, that is.

**Show hajime! **

"Yoshi! This is Maito Gai, your new youthful director! Just look at my funky eyebrows!" He shoved his face and dead-caterpillar eyebrows close to the camera, nearly freaking at Kakashi. The viewers and Tsunade almost puked.  
"Gai, stop wasting tape!" Kurenai bellowed, trying to keep the viewers, Kakashi and the Godaime Hokage from dying of disgust. Gai leapt back and his teeth went PING (viewers: Thank god!)  
"Today, we have, the youthful and beautiful Haku of Kirigakure no Sato! He was killed by Kakashi but was revived thanks to Alchemist of Uchiha's youthful alchemy!" Gai leapt off as Haku, dressed in the uniform he, sadly, died in, complete with mask, stepped up. There were wolf whistles from male viewers and 'aww' from females. "Iyaa..." Kakashi smiled apologetically at Haku. "Sorry for killing you, I didn't know you'd pop up like that..."  
"It's okay." Haku smiled, which was unseen because of the hunter-nin mask.  
_Damn it, Kakashi. _Gai thought fiercely, his eyes on fire. _You're so hip and cool, making such a cool and youthful statement on live television! No wonder you're my rival! _  
"My kekkeigenkai is used for war. Unlike Hyuuga-san and Uchiha-san, it cannot be used for help." The man viewers flexed their muscles as a way of showing sadness in busty-muscle-language and the females went 'aww' again.  
"Behold...Hijutsu: Makyou Hyoushou!"  
He leapt back and performed the Demonic Ice Mirrors ability. Ice mirrors surrounded him and Sasuke, with a moment of recognition, yelled, "That's the jutsu you used to kill me!...Sort of..."  
Haku ignored him and Neji smirked, "You got killed by mirrors?" Sasuke glared daggers at the Hyuuga prodigy. "They weren't normal mirrors. It was dangerous there. YOU could've died too." Neji glared, "Wanna bet?" The two continued to glare at each other while Hinata and Tenten tried to calm the two down.  
After a while, Haku threw senbons at each mirror and they exploded into shards of ice.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shreiked Lee as a shard pricked at his face. "Holy moley! lee!" Gai leapt past a confused Haku and grabbed Lee dramatically. "Lee, hold on, we'll get you to a hospital quickly!"  
Lee grappled at the air as if he had just got a sword plunged into his chest. "Gai-sensei...I always wanted to say this, but..."  
"Don't say anymore, Lee!" Gai embraced his beloved student. Waves. Sunset. Kurenai shook her head, "This is getting old."  
"Oh my god. Stop being such a wuss!" Shizune walked onstage, followed by Tonton, who 'bueyed' loudly. Shizune performed two hand seals and ran her finger lightly over the cut. It healed instantly. Lee leapt up and performed a cartwheel. "Gai-sensei! Look! I'm better!"  
Gai grasped Shizune's hands. "Kind messenger of the God of Youth, how can we repay you for healing my student's mortal wound!"  
Neji and Tenten shook their heads, embarassed to be known as Gai's students.  
Shizune sweatdropped, "You can start by letting go of my hands and continuing, Gai-sensei. The show's still rolling..."  
"Of course, Messenger of the God of Youth!" gai leapt back, did his nice-guy pose and Shizune walked offstage, shuddering...

**Offstage**

"It was the most freakiest thing that ever happened!" sobbed Shizune. Tonton 'bueyed' sadly while Anko and Tayuya (don't ask) handed her a towel and a cup of warm mocha. "There, there, Shizune. It's alright." Anko nodded. Shizune sniffled then left, sipping mocha.

**Onstage**

"Our next performer of youth..." Gai did his nice-guy pose again. "Is Hyuuga Neji and Hyuuga Hinata! Hyuuga Neji of my own team and Hinata is his beloved cousin! Get up here and show our viewers the way to the springtime of youth!"  
Neji, followed by Hinata went upstage while Kurenai pulled Gai off, as Gai wanted to go embrace the two Hyuugas. "Hinata-sama will perform Byakugan while I perform Kaiten and my Hakke Rokujyuuyonshou. I will not perform Hakke Hyakunijyuuhachishou because it requires too much Chakra."  
Hinata performed some hand seals and activated Byakugan. Neji did the same except he didn't need hand seals. Hinata stood back while Neji used Kaiten.  
"Hakkeshou: Kaiten." Blue light filled the room. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Hinata flew back and struggled to stand. "Behold...Hakke...Rokujyuuyonshou!" Neji rushed forwards and performed the amazing ability.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hinata screeched as she flew backwards. Kurenai caught her and yelled, "Shizune, call the ambulance!"  
BEEWOOBEEWOOBEEWOOBEEWOOO  
As much as I want her to die, I can't. It would harm Hinata-fans all over the place. So Hinata will be alive. Just...in the hospital.  
Gai was shocked. "Neji, that wasn't very nice!"  
To save himself from a lecture, the Hyuuga genius merely said as he made his way offstage, "Accident."  
"Well, in the springtime of youth, accidents happen. Youth and accidents go together!" His teeth made another annoying PING. "Next is...Uchiha Sasuke!"  
Sasuke walked upstage and dodged Gai as the mental sensei was about to give him a hug. "Sharingan!" He activated his bloodline as he walked to the centre of the stage. After a minute, he turned to Kakashi, "What am I supposed to do?"  
"Shishi Rendan?"  
"Oh." He gestured to someone. "Dobe, come up here!" Naruto shrunk back, afraid to be hit by the Rendan. Instead, Naruto pushed the first person he saw up instead. Who was it? Sakura. "Oh. Sakura. Oh well, i guess that will do just fine."  
"M-Matte...Sasuke-ku-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
He kicked the pink-haired kunoichi upwards, then performed the absolutely wicked combo, ending with a kick into her stomach and shouting, "SHISHI RENDAN!" There was a pause as Sakura's blood spilled everywhere. "Oh my bloody god. That was the best thing I ever saw!" Kakashi exclaimed (AOU: wow, how OOC)  
"Sigh." Kurenai leapt down and called again, "Shizune, call the ambulance."  
"Again?"  
BEEWOOBEEWOOBEEWOOBEEWOO  
Sakura was sent to the hospital. Because she sucks and Sasuke rules, she dies. But since everybody is so addicted on Shinobi Specialties, no one cared. Sorry if your a Sakura fan and just yell 'Hell yeah!" with me if your a Sakura hater.  
Gai was about to continue when Kurenai leapt down and kicked Gai out of the way. "Because there has been too many casualties on tonight's show, we're going to cancel it here and now. Good bye and please remember to watch tomorrow's Shinobi Specialties, which is about special jutsus, like Ninpou: Kagemane no Jutsu or Ninpou: Shintenshin no Jutsu."

**The end**

AOU: no, its not the end of the story. It's the end of the chapter!

Neji: that's just too bad

AOU: okay

Sasuke:...you're ending the story

AOU: no

Sasuke: dammit

AOU: review please!

Neji: no! Don't! If you don't, she won't continue the story!

AOU: don't listen to them! Review!


	4. No more Caterpillar Eyebrows!

AOU: Woohoo! Shinobi Specialties rocks!

Neji:...no way...

Sasuke: we are being tortured for the twisted joy of this demented woman claiming she is Uchiha...

AOU: I'm only 12...I'm not considered woman yet...

Neji:...you reached puberty early...doesn't that count?

AOU: What the fuck! how did you know that!

Neji:...I have my ways

AOU: EW! STALKER! (throws everything in sight at Neji) GENMA, SAY THE DISCLAIMER OR I KILL BOTH YOU AND NEJI!

Genma: I was already killed in your 'Never chew toothpicks' fic...anyway, Alchemist of Uchiha doesn't own anything...

Sasuke: (takes out popcorn and watches AOU hit Neji with a book) well, this is certainly entertaining...

Episode 4: Shikamaru betrays as well! "I'm gonna kill you, pineappe-head!"

"Yeah!" PING! In case you have forgotten, here's a little something to refresh your memory..GAI IS STILL DIRECTOR! Yes, Neji did notreclaim his position as director. Instead, Gai still is! The horror of dead-caterpillar eyebrows...  
"Re-welcome to our show of youth! Hope you enjoyed the last one!" He rushed forwards and stood in front of the camera with his nice-guy pose, dead-caterpillar eyebrows right in front of the mirror-thing. Nearly freaked out Kakashi. Deja vu, anyone? Kurenai jumped down and pulled Gai back while Asuma assisted her (Gai kept fighting to get in front of the camera again)  
**Hokage's Office  
**Tsunade was drinking red wine at the time and she nearly coughed it up as Gai rushed in front ofthe camera. "OH MY GOD!"  
**Viewers  
**The viewers screamed their heads off like there was no tomorrow. Some people threw tomatoes at their screen and then had to wipe them off when they heard Kurenai yell, "It's okay! You're eyes will no longer burn when you look at you TV screen!" (Gai: What's that supposed to mean?)  
**Those being tortured...er...the actors...  
**"...um...this is Neji here...we had an idea that we should have different announcer peoples each day. For the last 2 chapters, I was announcer person. For the last chapter, Gai was. Today, we're picking a random person, out of a hat." He took a hat that he got from a random person and without even looking, he said, "And the next announcer will be...Tenten..."  
"Yeah, baby!" Tenten leapt upstage, shoved Neji off where Alchemist of Uchiha caught him and glomped him (justkidding!)...actually, just shoved him offstage where he crashed into Shizune and Tonton, freaked them out. She grabbed the mic and yelled into it, "Today is a special day for our show! Because it's me as director! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Silence.  
Chirp chirp.  
A tumbleweed slowly went past the set, attracting Sakon and Ukon's attention (to faith b, Sakon and Ukon are part of the Sound Five that were ordered to fetch Sasuke and bring him to Orochimaru. Tayuya is one of the Sound Five. Sakon/Ukon was killed by Kankurou and Tayuya by Temari)  
"So..." Tenten coughed slightly, then continued, still yelling her head off though. "Today is Special Jutsus! First up, we have Nara Shikamaru performing Ninpou: Kagemane no Jutsu!"  
The pineappe-headed Chuunin stepped up, cracking his neck, "Mataku, mendokuse!" (Geez, how troublesome!)  
"GO, SHIKAMARU!" Ino screeched.  
"Is it just me, or does Shikamaru's head look less pineapple-ish than it did in the Chuunin Exams?" Temari observed, looking closely at the Chuunin.  
"Who cares?" growled Gaara. Kankurou still didn't recover from Gaara smashing his sock puppet in the second episode. He was STILL in the medical asylum, with Anko throwing kunais at him and Tsunade punching him every once in a while. Sooner or later, he would die...but oh well.  
"I need a target." Shikamaru complained. Neji sighed and took another random name out of the hat. "The target is...Sasuke..."  
"Dammit." Sasuke went upstage, ignoring the screams from Sakura, Ino, Temari, Tenten and the fangirl viewers, except those he couldn't hear.  
"Ninpou." Shikamaru performed the little seal thing. "Kagemane no Jutsu!" The Chuunin's shadow shot forwards and caught Sasuke. Shikamaru waved his arms like a chicken and Sasuke...didn't. "What the?" Ino cried, shocked.  
"Did he use Kai? Is his Sharingan out?" Kiba exclaimed.  
"um..."Sasuke looked confused as well.  
"Sasuke, you're amazing! Fighting off the Kagemane no Jutsu like that!" shreiked Sakura.  
"No...you're a..." He grabbed a kunai and flung it at Shikamaru's head. "...fake!" Shikamaru couldn't dodge it. The kunai went right through.  
"AAAAHH! YOU KILLED SHIKA!" screamed Chouji.  
"That's a fake, goddammit." Neji snarled. "Even I can see that." Tenten muttered in disgust.  
"WHERE'S SHIKAMARU!" screamed Ino, killing everybody's eardrums...  
**Shikamaru's hideout  
**Shikamaru hid in his room, hugging his Chuunin vest close to him. "I'm not coming out till the next episode...then I'll just let Ino kill me...Good-bye sweet world!" He was about to blow a kiss to the 'sweet world' when he realized how troublesome it would be to move all those muscles just to do something so pointless. "Feh." He hugged his vest tighter. "Mendoku se..."  
**The show...  
**"Let's just ignore Shikamaru and have Yamanaka Ino perform her Ninpou: Shintenshin no Jutsu!" Tenten nodded and Neji drew another name out of the hat. "The person to be hit by Shintenshin is..." he said in a super bored voice. "...Naruto..."  
"EW!" yelped Ino, shivering. "I have to enter HIM?"  
"EW!" yelped Naruto, shivering. "I have to let her enter ME?"  
The two were shoved upstage by Kiba and Lee. "Well, no helping it." Ino concentrated her Chakra and performed the hand seals. Naruto closed his eyes and waited for the 'end'.  
**Naruto's End Thoughts...  
**_Wow...this is the end...soon as Ino enters my body...I'm dead...NOOOOOOOO! (insert dramatic music throughout) I do not want to die yet! I will destroy the wings of fate, as that bastard Neji calls it, and live through a disgusting Sasuke-fangirl entering my beautiful body (AOU: oh. my. god. ew.) That didn't sound right but oh my god! Teme! Neji! I'm gonna kill you!  
Sasuke...Iruka-sensei...Kakashi-sensei...Gejimayu...Sakura-chan...Kyuubi...this is it...good-bye sweet world! (blows kiss to sweet world)  
_**Kyuubi's End Thoughts...  
**_Wow...this is the end...soon as Ino enters my vessel's body...I'm dead...NOOOOO! (insert dramatic music throughout) I do not want to die yet! I will destroy the wings of fate, as my vessel's friend Neji calls it, and live through a disgusting woman entering my vessel's beautiful body! (AOU: what...?) That didn't sound right but oh my god! TEME! VESSEL! I'm gonna kill you!  
Shukaku...Katsuyu...Gama Bunta...Manda...Mommy...Vessel...this is it...good-bye sweet world. (unable to blow a kiss to sweet world)  
_**Ino's End Thoughts  
**_Wow, Kyuubi shares the same end thoughts as Naruto! Weird...  
_**No more end thoughts...  
**Anyway! Ino got ready to possess the body.."Ninpou: Shintenshin no-"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Naruto.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Ino.  
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FO-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Everybody screamed. What happened? Yeppers. Naruto dove into Kyuubi's Chakra and was wreaking havoc. (thanks to Lipek and Silver for making this idea possible)  
Naruto destroyed everything. (AOU: No! The cameras!) Except the cameras and everything that made the show possible. Amazingly, the cameras, lights, props and stage survived. "Uh..." Tenten dove for the mic and yelled into it. "This is a special part of Shinobi Specialties. Please watch Naruto kill everybody except the senseis!" Tenten leapt out of the way again and Naruto kicked the ground a hairsbreadth away from where she had been before.  
"Aw, fuck." Sasuke released Chidori and charged at Naruto. Naruto dodged it and punched Sasuke, hard, on the back. Neji leapt forwards and once Naruto was on his Hakke, he released Hakke Hyakunijyuuhachishou. It worked.  
"Now's my chance!" Sasuke leapt into the air, released Chidori and flew downwards. Kyuubi was still in control. Naruto performed Kage Bunshin, made his Bunshins do that weird Chakra thingy, and released Rasengan.  
BOOM!"  
Yeah! Chidori rocks! Because I favor Sasuke and his Chidori, Naruto was knocked out. Everybody survived! Except Sakura. She died.  
**After 20 minutes...  
**Everybody had fainted. It was the last few minutes of the show. Naruto stood up and looked around. He had no idea. He just thought Ino was still gonna possess him. When he saw that everybody had fainted, he stared at Sasuke, who, amazingly, still had Chidori's Chakra sparking around his left hand, Tenten, who lost a clump of hair and everybody else had suffered fashion damage. "Are?" He blinked his blue eyes. "What happened?"

AOU: Next chapter is...CHARACTERS YOU NEVER KNEW THAT EXISTED!  
**answering review time!  
Story Weaver1-** yay! You watch Naruto! Sorry, but I deleted the Redwall and Detective Conan fanfics. No ideas were coming to me and I was getting obsessed with other stuff too. I thought you didn't like my fics anymore when you stopped reviewing but that was only probably cuz none of the chapters/fics I wrote were on subjects you liked! So yay! You're back and reviewing!  
**Silver- **You wanted Naruto to show the Kyuubi. You wanted him to go berserk. Here's your reward for reviewing. Did I do okay? Cuz I absolutely suck at writing about Naruto going insane. I can write about Sasuke going berserk, Neji too, just not Naruto  
**Lipek- **You wanted Naruto to show the Kyuubi. You wanted him to use Rasengan. Here's your reward for reviewing.  
**HeartlessHitokiri- **Yeah! SAKURA HATERS UNITE!  
**faith b- **I didn't write about Chouji. How sad. Lol, thanks for saying some of my lines were really funny! The 'jyan' thing is something Kankurou does so much it's stuck in my brain and the random fangirl stuff was forgotten now...I'll try to re-add them...


End file.
